Before this entire experience I believed that cancer went just like it does in the movies. You get a diagnosis and they either say “Chemo and radiation and then you’re all clear” or “you have six months left good luck”. My cancer didn’t exactly go like that and I have yet to meet anyone else that has gone that way either. Unfortunately for me, I have been given a timeline. It’s vague and really depends on which treatments I opt in to and which treatments I decline but it’s still there and constantly hanging over my head.

How does that conversation go? For me I’ve had the conversation a total of three times. The first time was after chemo failed and my oncologist told me if I took this medication (it makes me feel terrible) then I would probably get around 10 more years.

Then I had more cancer pop up and it was spreading into my colon so my second timeline conversation occurred. This time it went something along the lines of this: “ You have three options- 1) you do this very risky surgery and it goes bad and you go septic and you die within a week 2) you do this super risky surgery and it goes well and you don’t take this medicine and you have maybe 4 years 3) you do this super risky surgery and it goes well and you do take this medicine and we’re back to 10ish years”. Well, I have a one year old at home and I am not missing his first day of kindergarten in 4 years so I opted for the surgery and I am taking the awful medicine.

The third conversation just occurred this past week. I met with my original oncologist for a follow up and to plan for the future. We discussed this new experimental lab work I’ve been doing, the crappy medicine, and oh yeah, the several growths found in my most recent surgery three weeks ago. Pathology says benign but it’s not a good sign that they are there in the first place. My husband and I have been looking into foster care and/or adoption since my hysterectomy last year but we wanted to get on the other side of chemo and surgeries before we took the next step so I had to bring up the conversation again. This time it looked something like “depending on how much and how often you do treatments, surgeries, etc. it varies between 4 and 20 years” Which is a big upgrade from 4-10 years.

There are two big problems with the last conversation though: It’s vague and it requires more chemotherapy. With my timeline being so vague and my cancer being so aggressive we have ruled out adoption and/or foster care for now, as we don’t see that it would be fair for our son or the other child involved. In regards to more chemotherapy treatments, my opinion could change later based on the circumstances but for now I am saying no to any more rounds of chemo. This isn’t something people want to hear and it’s honestly hard to say but I would rather have four good years making great memories with my friends and family than have ten rough years in and out of a hospital and my bed with no quality to my life.

How do you move on from that? I’ll let you know when I get there! For now I am trying to make the most of whatever my timeline is, hang out with my family, squeeze people a little bit tighter, and not say no to adventures I normally would. The reality is that something could happen to any of us at any time so we all should be making the most of the time we are given. I’m not saying max out your credit cards and take a trip to the Maldives (take me with you) but what I am saying is don’t live a life that doesn’t bring you joy and excitement. If you are having a hard time finding your passion in life and what your purpose is then let’s chat. Life should be exciting and full of drive; not regrets and bad moods.

This may seem silly or dumb to you but one thing that has really helped me to gain a better perspective on the little things that bring joy to my day is to start my day off by saying three things that I am grateful for that day. It can be the smallest thing but you can’t repeat answers! For example: Today I am grateful for the last cup of coffee my husband left for me, the ability to share my story with all of you, and the girls night I get to have with my friend tonight. Incorporating this into my daily routine has forced me to really focus on the positive things in my life. Let’s face it, life looks a little doom and gloom when the big C is following you around all the time and it’s so easy to focus on what I can’t do because of it. It’s also super easy to flip that around and say forget cancer, I have things I get/want to do!

Another (kinda morbid) thing is creating a bucket list. The absolute number one thing I want to do in life is run a half marathon and instead of dreaming about it, I created a training program to start working toward it. This is such a cliché but I am grateful for the mindset switch this has brought me and that is simply to stop dreaming of the things I want to do and start doing them or put into action a plan to get there. If you knew your timeline- what would you change?