I just had my first scan since my last surgery and the anxiety surrounding that was all but paralyzing. In my most recent surgery there were several nodules discovered which raised a lot of red flags and concerns that things were growing back at a rapid rate. My surgeon sent what he could off for biopsy and thankfully they were all negative. Still, my team of oncologists had worries and set my expectations moving forward to be very low. They gave me three months post op to recover and allow my body some time to rest before undergoing anything additional and finally it came. The dreaded CT scan was here and with it would come what felt like my make or break decision.

If you ask my most patient husband, I have been a NIGHTMARE to be around for the last month. Although he would never admit it, I think his prayers quickly turned from “please be a clear scan” to “please calm her the heck down”. I think there needs to be a new word for pre-scan jitters for the cancer community so if you have any fun suggestions let me know! The way that the “what if’s” and thoughts of the future overtake you from just the thought of seeing that appointment on the calendar is unreal and has been effecting every part of my life from my workouts, to my mood, to my conversations with friends (or lack thereof) and now that it’s over for now I feel almost hollow.

I had two back to back CT scans this time, one of my chest and the other of my abdomen and pelvis (the important one) and of course I sat with my phone in my hand constantly refreshing my patient portal all day long. I finally received the results of the important scan around lunch time and assumed I would get the chest CT results back shortly after. I was waiting to tell my immediate family and friends until I had both and made it a whole two hours of impatiently waiting before I spilled the beans. I so gracefully announced my news in my family group chat with “Cancer Can Suck It” and a screenshot of my radiology report. I followed up with the information that I was however still waiting for my chest CT to come back but I couldn’t sit on the information any longer. Then came several crying facetime calls with my friends that were all in just as much shock as myself.

Next came the final results I was waiting for, the chest CT report… CLEAR!!!! Well, in radiology terms, “unremarkable”, which is pretty rude in my opinion I think I am pretty remarkable but I digress. I am on too much of a forget you cancer high to nit pick the terminology used by radiologists. For the time being I still feel hollow and as if this could all just be a dream. I don’t meet with my oncologist to formally go over the results until the end of next week so for now I am working on processing what this may mean going forward and how this impacts the several possible timelines I was given in previous appointments. I am unsure if this means that the term “remission” will come up in this appointment or if there is more to be done to determine that stage so I will continue with my current dream state and float through.

I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you that have prayed for me, check in on me, cooked a warm meal for my family post surgery, sent a sweet text or card, took the time to read this far, and any other ways you have impacted my road to get this far. Many patients with my diagnosis don’t get to see a clear scan and I feel so fortunate and also a little guilty to be the one that does. I am extremely grateful for all the love and support we have felt through the last almost 19 months of this journey and I am hopeful that it will be smooth sailing ahead.

IF things keep on a positive note this blog will transition away from the cancer side of things and more into the mama side of things so stay tuned! In the meantime, check out my new podcast I launched with my friend Hailey as we discuss our differences in parenting styles, toxic mom culture, wife life, and all the in between! You can follow us on Instagram @KindaCrunchyKindaNot_Pod and listen to our first episode here! Thank you all again and I will share my new update after my appointment next week!