Holiday Joy vs Anxiously Waiting
Going through any medical crisis is always a waiting game. You are waiting on lab results, your next appointment, the doctor to finally come to your room, etc. I find myself constantly counting down for something and this time I don’t want to. In a season of advent calendars and Christmas countdowns I am definitely being a Scrooge. With Christmas this year, also comes a decision plan on my next step and the negativity has overtaken me. December 23rd I will have my new scan results back and a new treatment plan to proceed with.
I laugh about it, saying, I will either be a Christmas miracle or I will need a Christmas miracle, to keep the spirits light. If I am being transparent and honest, I am petrified. This will be my first scan post chemo, with the exception of the one immediately after, and I will have to repeat these for the rest of my life. My identity as a cancer patient will follow me around forever. I have made my peace with that and marked it up as making me a badass mama. (Sorry for the language if you read this Mom). I no longer mind being that cancer girl in my office or in line at the store. I don’t shy away from the questions the kids ask their parents in the grocery store or from sharing my story with all you strangers on the internet. I know that my journey has been an impact upon other people in a positive light and that redeems it for me.
Being the cancer patient is not the problem, but being the scared one is. I have embraced this “I can handle it and I can do anything” attitude to the point where I have become numb to the words “I have cancer” and what that actually means. I have gotten so afraid of this waiting game that I have overscheduled myself (more than I normally do), taken on one too many projects, and gotten so lost in the day to day to distract myself from the fact that I have 14 more days before I find out just how bad this monster still is. I have filled every waking moment of my planner up until my scan so I don’t have to think about it and if I don’t think about it I can’t be scared of it, right? Wrong.
The countdown has started and no matter how busy and distracted I am, I know that it’s coming. I know that my family coming in town for the holidays and all the hustle and bustle of wrapping presents and making cookies is one more second closer to hearing the news. I am struggling to find the joy of the holiday season because of the shadow looming with it. I already know I still have cancer despite the efforts of surgery and chemo but I think undergoing another treatment plan makes it so much more real. I prefer my cozy raft and drink in hand floating down the river of denial.
If you hear me caroling along and faking it till I make, just go along with it. Let’s keep the smiles going and attitudes happy and my Christmas spirit will come along. This journey is definitely not an easy one and I don’t mean to get negative about the holiday joy. I want to share honestly how the little things effect the big picture. It isn’t just about getting the news in the doctors office or getting pumped full of poison. It’s also the cookie baking and tree decorating that have big impacts on us warriors.
Medical update if you didn’t see the last one- post chemo I had two growths that grew while I was undergoing my chemotherapy. Which in itself is scary that it was that resistant to the such a harsh treatment. To make it positive or lighter my doctor wasn’t confident that the entirety of both growths were cancerous and didn’t want to take any steps yet. I started on a daily pill to slow the growth but it made me feel like I had the flu. We have been trying different ways of me taking it to prevent the side effects but so far no luck.