The Tantalizing Towel
I shaved my head on May 13.
It has been almost 6 months.
From the beginning I was embarrassed, ashamed, uncomfortable, self-conscious, and every other terrible body image emotion you can come up with. It was a very emotional experience for me to lose my hair. Growing up I used my hair as my sign of expression. My hair had been dyed every color of the rainbow and cut every which way possible. I found a lot of my identity in my hair. It has been almost 6 months that I have had no hair and it has recently started to grow back into some peach fuzz. I find myself running my hand across it at least once an hour just to actually feel that my hair is there.
Tonight out of old habit, I got out of the shower dried my body off, and wrapped the towel on my head as if I were drying my hair. I looked in the mirror, realized what I had done, and lost it. I am almost two months post my last round of chemo and six months since my first round of chemo and I am still struggling. I had recently stopped feeling the constant need to have a hat or head wrap on and now I feel like I have set myself back to the beginning over something as dumb as a towel.
Being done with chemo does not take away my identity as a cancer patient. Being done with chemo does not make me normal again. I had come to terms with the fact that I lost my hair to this terrible disease and here I am six months later processing it all over again. Us warriors are not always brave face and ready for battle. Some days we are strong and ready for anything the world may throw at us. Sometimes we are crying on the bathroom floor over a towel.
I don’t share this breakdown in hopes of a complement or your pity. I share this to help reflect upon being grateful for the little things. The little things I took for granted before all of this are what breaks me apart every day. I stare at myself in my bathroom mirror while my untouched razor rusts away in the corner, my hair products expire underneath my bathroom counter, and my mascara dries out on the counter, and I tell myself that I need to be confident. It is a mentally exhausting process just to walk into the bathroom and see all of the things I thought were so normal that I took for granted everyday.
As we are now in a month where gratitude is the focus, I urge you to start showing gratitude for the little things you never think about. Instead of complaining about shaving your legs to wear your holiday dress, flip your perspective, because I am yearning for a chance to need to shave my legs. I am not saying you have to force a smile when you have a bad hair day because some of us can’t, I am just trying to express that those little burdens or inconveniences actually matter a great deal. “Life is short” is such a cliché phrase but it is really resonating with me lately. Life is short! Dance while you brush your teeth, sing while you fold your laundry, laugh while you pump your gas! Embrace those pesky little tasks like drying your hair in a towel with a new attitude. You are alive today and that is what matters.