My update comes delayed, I apologize, it’s been a lot for me to process and I’m still not really sure how to approach it. I do understand that I will be a cancer patient for the rest of my life but I don’t think I was prepared to feel defeated after all of this. I am currently feeling very negative about things, so please bear with me, as I break this down. My negativities focus in on the feeling that my chemo, and all of the hell that came with it, was worthless. My scan shows two masses that grew while I was undergoing chemotherapy. If you want to be positive about it, part of it looks cystic. If you want to be negative about it, part of it appears like cancer. This being said, I am playing the waiting game and I guess I need to get used to that. For the rest of my life I will be waiting for my next scan, waiting for results, and waiting for this process to repeat.

Truthfully, I have not processed all of this yet and I don’t really intend to. If you are my therapist reading this, don’t worry, that means job security for you! I have been keeping myself busy and stressed about anything and everything else trying to ignore it. I think that I have re-organized my pantry at least six times since I got the news. There really is no end to this and I think that is the hardest thing to come to terms with. My hair is beginning to grow back and I fear getting attached because I’m in fear of repeating chemo in a couple of months. I think that I may be getting too excited about a return to normal. Then I get myself hung up on “What is normal now?”

I have started a new medication and to be frank, it sucks. It feels similar to what a “good day” after chemo felt like. I have no energy, no appetite, feel nauseous, and just all-around feel crummy. I took my medication before bed the other night and went to run an errand the next morning and had to pull over into a gas station because I didn’t feel safe driving. I feel so out of it and disoriented and I don’t want that to be my normal. So the waiting game is not only filled with anxiety and impatience but also I’m not feeling better. At least when I was doing chemo I had an end to look forward to and something to strive for. Now I’m looking forward to getting bad news just so I can have an answer.

I have tried my best to stay as positive as possible throughout this entire process but now I feel frustrated and annoyed with myself for keeping my head held so high. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I am freaking tired. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being anxious. I am tired of not feeling well. I want my life back. I want to be the 23 year old newly wed and new mom again. I want to wake up and this all just be one really bad dream. If you’re looking for me right now you’ll find me floating along the river of denial. Bring some sunscreen- it’s hot out here.