Call me a day dreamer but when they told me that this surgery could be it, I was pumped! It did carry a lot of risk and scary possibilities but I was tuning them out. In the discussion of the surgery there were a lot of different options and different outcomes. I was given a life expectancy (story for a different day), told I could get an ostomy, told it could be super invasive, and told it could potentially be robotic and super easy. I was living in the robotic and super easy world.

Prep for surgery was one thing after another. The two tumors they were trying to remove were on my colon so I had to do a “cleanse” and a colon scope, then another “cleanse” and a colonoscopy, and then another “cleanse” before surgery. The idea of drinking another one of those heinous drinks makes me dry heave.

I had to do a few pre-op appointments and here came my new discovery. I am fully convinced I have medical PTSD. I had a hard time have bloodwork done before chemo but now my veins are totally shot. Without fail, anytime I need labs done (that can’t be done through my port) or an IV I get stuck multiple times and left with bruises everywhere. At one pre-op appointment they needed labs done and stuck me once and couldn’t get anything and I went into a full blown panic attack. Hyperventilating, crying, shaking, the whole nine yards. These poor nurses had their hands full! Eventually I got it together and they were able to take my blood but the thought of needing labs again makes me want to cry.

The next pre-op appointment from hell was my “Marking” appointment. Naïve me thought that this appointment was where they would look at my previous incision scars and mark where they wanted to make their new ones. Wrong. Remember how I said I was in a daydream world earlier? This was where reality hit. They marked me for the two possible ostomy spots and gave me a whole lesson in how to change the ostomy bag! They showed me a picture of a stoma and I was so shocked I said out loud “Oh my gosh that’s disgusting. I get queasy I am going to throw up.” and I really meant it. I refused to look at anymore images. The nurses tried to reassure me that it was a normal response but I honestly felt rude. In my defense though I was in shock. They told me an ostomy was an option but they failed to tell me how confident they were that I would need one!

Surgery Day- starts with typical IV problems, 6+ hours in the operating room, and waking up to my worst nightmare. My first question coming to “Did I get the bag?!” the answer- yes. I now live in a world where my intestine is on the outside of my body and I have a bag of waste attached to my waist. GROSS. I know I should say that science is amazing and I am so happy they have a solution to keep my alive but if I am being totally honest I still can’t look in the mirror. I’m sure the day will come but I am absolutely not there yet.

Let’s not stop there- getting a big invasive surgery & an ileostomy are just not enough for me! Now my bladder is traumatized from the surgery and it’s nearly two weeks post-op and I still can’t pee! They sent me home from the hospital with a foley catheter, it gave me a UTI, and now I am trying to “wake-up” my bladder on it’s own while catheterizing myself 5x a day. Forget that daydream world I was living in. My nightmare just got put on steroids.

For clarification, the intention of the ileostomy is temporary to allow to my colon to heal from the partial colectomy (removal of a portion of it). It is only supposed to stick around for three months and then another surgery to reverse it. I answered a ton of questions on my Instagram stories last night and saved it to a highlight reel “Ileostomy” if you want more details. In the mean time I will be trying to pee on my own and make peace with my fun new accessory.